The President of the United States stares out of the Oval Office windows. Screams of panic echo from the streets.
The doors to the office swing open. A terrified Presidential Aide runs in.
AIDE: Sir, the crazy Ruskies have finally done it! They’ve launched the nukes!
The President turns around.
PRESIDENT: So, this is it. I’ll be the President that destroyed the world…
AIDE: What shall we do, sir? The nukes will hit us in a matter of minutes.
PRESIDENT: We retaliate.
The President sits at his desk and pulls out a BIG RED PHONE. He presses a flashing button. A voice comes from the phone:
COMMANDER: Hellooo, this is the commander of the nuclear submarine speaking.
PRESIDENT: This is the President of the United States of America.
COMMANDER: Oh my god! Big fan!
The President raises his eyebrow at his AIDE.
PRESIDENT: Erm…thank you. We’re going to Defcon five. Begin Operation ‘No Take Backs.’
COMMANDER: Ooh, I got butterflies! Nuclear warheads are being locked into position as we speak. I just need the launch codes.
The President opens a drawer and removes an envelope.
PRESIDENT: May God have mercy on our souls.
His shaking hands open the letter, and he reads out what’s inside:
PRESIDENT: Vale, Simper, Fling, Cranberry, Kiosk, Winsome, Prey and Quibble.
There’s a painfully long silence.
PRESIDENT: Hello?
Muttering is heard over the receiver.
COMMANDER: Oof, this is, like, super awks, but that’s the wrong code.
PRESIDENT: What?
COMMANDER: It’s not right.
PRESIDENT: What do you mean it’s not right?
COMMANDER: You know how, like, some things are correct. This is the opposite of that.
PRESIDENT: But I’ve got the code right here!
COMMANDER: You don’t. Otherwise, we’d be launching the nukes right now, silly.
PRESIDENT: I’m the President of the United States, and I command you to launch the nuclear warheads!
COMMANDER: But how do I know you’re the President of the United States?
PRESIDENT: Surely you recognise my voice.
COMMANDER: But anyone can copy your voice with AI. Have you not seen that TikTok where you sing the lyrics to ‘Wet Ass Pussy’?
PRESIDENT: What the hell are you talking about?
COMMANDER: You’ve not seen it?! You MUST check it out if you’ve got a sec.
AIDE: It is pretty funny…(muttering) By the way, New York has been hit.
PRESIDENT: I don’t have time! Russian nukes are hitting the country right now. We must retaliate!
The Commander's voice turns hushed.
COMMANDER: Look, I’ll get into loooads trouble if I tell you this, like a proper spanking, but you only got one word wrong.
PRESIDENT: Which one?
COMMANDER: It’d be cheating if I told you THAT.
The President slams his fist on the table. He takes a breath and calms down.
PRESIDENT: Was it Vale?
COMMANDER: Nope.
PRESIDENT: Simper?
COMMANDER: Uh-uh.
PRESIDENT: Fling?
COMMANDER: Not a chance.
PRESIDENT: Cranberry?
COMMANDER: No.
PRESIDENT: For the love of Christ, which word was it?
COMMANDER: Great Q-uestion, sir.
PRESIDENT: What?
COMMANDER: I said, great…Q…uestion.
AIDE: He’s saying ‘Quibble’ is wrong.
COMMANDER: Bingo!
PRESIDENT: Okay, we can do this. There can’t be that many words that begin with ‘Q’.
COMMANDER: You’d be surprised.
PRESIDENT: Q…Que…Qr….Qli
AIDE: Queef!
PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ, you’re starting with queef?
COMMANDER: Yeah, what the fuck, man?
AIDE: Queef is a real word! It might be right.
PRESIDENT: Is it right?
COMMANDER: No!
PRESIDENT: Fine…erm….Cucumber.
AIDE: That begins with a ‘C’!
PRESIDENT: Oh. Yeah. I knew that.
Chuckling comes from the receiver.
PRESIDENT: Stop laughing! This isn’t funny.
COMMANDER: (sniggering) I’m not!
The President ignores him and types on his computer.
PRESIDENT: Question, Quirky, Quick, Quagmire, Queep.
COMMANDER: What does ‘queep’ mean?
The President squints at the screen.
PRESIDENT: The sound a bird may make, similar to peep, chirp or cheep.
COMMANDER: Aww. Queep, queep!
AIDE: Queep!
PRESIDENT: Stop it! Were any of those correct?
COMMANDER: Nuh-uh.
AIDE: Philadelphia is gone.
PRESIDENT: Tell me what the word is!
COMMANDER: That’s against the rules, naughty! How about some clues instead?
The President rests his head against the desk.
PRESIDENT: Fine. Fine.
COMMANDER: If you went to your doctor with a headache and they suggested shoving his finger up your ass, you’d say….
AIDE: Yes, please.
COMMANDER: Ha-ha! Very quick.
AIDE: I do improv at the weekends.
COMMANDER: I’ll come see you next time I’m in town. There’s not enough good comedy these days.
AIDE: Aw, thanks.
PRESIDENT: There won’t be a next time!
COMMANDER: So how would you describe that doctor then?
PRESIDENT: Erm…a pervert?
AIDE: What’s wrong with a bit of ass-play?
PRESIDENT: Nothing! I don't know!
AIDE: And it doesn’t begin with ‘Q’.
PRESIDENT: Skip! Next clue.
COMMANDER: (sighs) Fiiiine.
The room rumbles. A mushroom cloud appears in the distance.
PRESIDENT: Hurry!
COMMANDER: It's like a sound you'd hear at a pond but not from a fish.
PRESIDENT: Splashing.
COMMANDER: That doesn’t begin with ‘Q’ either.
AIDE: How many times do we have to tell you?
PRESIDENT: Shut up. I’ve come up with WAY more ideas than you!
AIDE: Is it ‘Quack’?
COMMANDER: OMG, so close!
A flash of light. The room shakes violently. Books fly from the shelves. Lights shatter.
PRESIDENT: Please, I’m begging you — just tell us the answer.
COMMANDER: But you’re almost there! What is a duck doing when it quacks?
The President looks out the window — a burning white light is headed straight towards them. He turns back to the phone.
PRESIDENT: It caws!
COMMANDER: Nope.
PRESIDENT: Croaks!
COMMANDER: No.
AIDE: Quacking!
COMMANDER: Afraid not.
PRESIDENT: Oh, god.
BOOM! A nuclear explosion wipes out the white house.
COMMANDER: Oh wait. ‘Quacking’ is the correct answer! My bad.
Pure static.
COMMANDER: You there?
More static.
COMMANDER: Uh. Oh.
More static.
COMMANDER: …I’m going to be in soooo much trouble.
More static.
The commander fiddles with something.
PRESIDENT: I said certified freak, seven days a week, Wet Ass Pussy, make that pull-out game WEAK!
COMMANDER: lmao, so good.
Epic!! Enjoyed this very much.